The Crown v Mark Anthony Cooper

(Location: The Old Bailey, London, England)

Bailiff: All rise for Justice Meaty Porkfat, QC.

(everyone in the courtroom rises)

Judge: You may be seated.

(everyone sits down again, except for the defendant)

Judge: Mark Anthony Cooper, you stand accused of the brutal and callous murder of one Mister Piggles, who was in the care of one Kristal Crow. How do you plead?

Mark: Not guilty, Your Honour.

Judge: Counsel for the Prosecution, you may begin your questioning of the defendant.

(Prosecution Counsel Piggy Hogwash, QC gets up from his desk and approaches the defendant.)

Hogwash: Mr. Cooper, on or about the 14th of December, 2011, video evidence was released which shows that, during the Minecraft à Trois Pigvitational Pig Race, you killed Mister Piggles, the pig which was to have been ridden by Ms. Kristal Crow. Your Honour, I respectfully submit that the defendant, bearing a diamond sword in his hand, set out to deliberately murder Mister Piggles and prevent Ms. Crow from completing the race.

Mark: No, Your Honour, that is incorrect.

Hogwash: Do you deny that you had a diamond sword in your hand?

Mark: No, Your Honour, I indeed had a diamond sword. However, there was no deliberate intent.

Hogwash: Your Honour, I present Prosecution Exhibit A: the video of the race, as released to YouTube. If we play the video from 5 minutes and 49 seconds, we can clearly hear the defendant state that he will “get the switch”, followed by the sound of Mister Piggles dying, and Ms. Crow exclaiming, “You killed Mister Piggles!”

(video plays)

Hogwash: Your Honour, the evidence is irrefutable. The prosecution rests.

Judge: Counsel for the Defence, you may begin.

(Defence Counsel Snorter Piggleton, QC gets up from his desk and approaches the dock)

Piggleton: Your Honour, while it is true to state that the defendant indeed laid the killing blow on the unfortunate pig, I intend to show that the occurrence was nothing more than a simple accident. Further, I intend to show that, in fact, the pig was severely weakened, prior to the incident, by none other than Ms. Crow herself!

(jury gasps in astonishment)

Piggleton: If we replay the clip and view the inset section, so helpfully provided by Mr. David Adams, we will see that, at the time that the defendant went to throw the switch to operate the gate system, Mister Piggles leapt into the path of the switch…

(video plays again)

Piggleton: Mr. Cooper, it is well-known that it is possible to operate a switch with either mouse button. Why would you have used your left mouse button, when using the right button would not have caused you to launch an attack on the pig?

Mark: Merely force of habit. It’s only since I’ve suffered a number of block destructions while in Creative Mode that I’ve switched to using the right mouse button.

Piggleton: So your so-called “attack” was nothing more than an accident caused by a bad habit?

Mark: That is correct, Your Honour.

Piggleton: Your Honour, if we may move the time selection on the video to 4 minutes and 14 seconds, and play from there, we will hear Ms. Crow say something which is rather damning, but not for the defendant…

(video plays from the new time)

Piggleton: “Oh, I’m killing my pig.” Although we don’t actually see what Ms. Crow did, it seems obvious to me that if she makes such a statement, she must have inflicted some sort of damage upon the hapless porcine, and weakened it before the defendant reached for the switch with his sword in hand. Had Mister Piggles not been weakened beforehand, the defendant’s accidental blow would not have killed him. The defence rests, Your Honour.

Judge: And so we will ask the readers of this blog to determine Mr. Cooper’s fate. Is he guilty or not guilty of the murder of Mister Piggles? Leave your response in the comments section!

This entry was posted in Creative Writing, Humour. Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to The Crown v Mark Anthony Cooper

  1. Until your murderous sword hit him, he was alive, I tell you, ALIIIIVE!


  2. Hmmm, listen a little farther in that clip, and you;ll hear the defendant state, *gasp* ” I KILLED…any pig named Mister Piggles is fated to die!”; and you can see the deathstroke given by the pet-slaughtering defendant in the picture-in-picture camera (courtesy of expert witness and cameraman CatInThePants).


  3. Nuked says:

    I have to say not guilty..



  4. I vote for death by being torn apart by wild tortoises, guilty!


  5. Septimus_ says:



  6. Anomnomnomnomouys says:

    Guilty of accidental PigSlaughter!


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