Griefer of the Server

Originally published on Scribd, May 29, 2011

Let’s just get something straight before you read this: I do not condone griefing! This is just a fantasy situation, because it’s a song parody, okay? Okay! (I hope…)

Griefer of the Server
(to the tune of “Coward of the County” by Kenny Rogers)

Everyone considered him
The griefer of the server
A single block of TNT
Was all that he’d done wrong
His username was Tommy
But folks just called him Loser
Something always told me
That Tommy did belong…

He was only ten years old
When his daddy bought him Minecraft
(He had to buy a laptop, too –
The kid had no PC…)
I still recall the geeky words
The man had said to Tommy:
“Read the server FAQ,
And don’t bring shame on me…”

“You should feel guilt
If you destroy what others built;
Stay away from creepers if you can.
Now it don’t mean you’re lame –
Just be careful with this game
And I hope you’re old enough to understand:
Son, you don’t have to grief to be a man.”

There’s a friend for everyone
And Tommy’s friend was Becky
In her eyes he didn’t have
To prove he was a man
One day while he was mining
The Griefer Gang came calling
They had hacked the whitelist –
And there was three of them…

Tommy logged into the game
And saw his Becky ragequit
The burning fire, her shattered house;
He knew she wasn’t strong…
He reached into his backpack
And he took out sand and sulphur
He said, “I’ll be so grounded
If all this crap goes wrong…”

The Griefer Gang were hanging out
In a building they had stolen
They didn’t notice Tommy
Had wired the place to blow
Tommy walked in through the door
And placed a single lever
You could’ve heard a pin drop
When the wires began to glow…

Twenty amps of power
Went through that redstone wiring
A massive blast destroyed the house
The players screamed for blood:
“We knew he was a griefer!
The admins should have banned him!”
“I’m promoting him to Builder,
‘Cause Tommy, he did good –
Now listen up:

“Is your building flat?
The Griefer Gang had all done that!
Tommy helps the admins when he can;
You say that Tommy’s lame –
He pwned the griefers in this game!
I don’t expect you all to understand:
Sometimes you gotta ‘grief’
To be a man…”

Everyone considered him
The griefer of the server…

Original lyrics © 1979 Roger Bowling and Billy Ed Wheeler
Parody lyrics © 2011 Mark A. Cooper

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